Having been raised within a strict religious environment/culture, I had boundaries set for me and also experienced the abuse of some personal boundaries in the area of spirituality and individuality. Having left that religious culture, I recognize how those boundaries were suppressing and damaging to me. With more determination than is sometimes healthy; I have set about protecting my individuality with a ZERO tolerance policy. Unfortunately, implementing this strict policy has paved a rather lonely pathway as I weed-out those who still wish to suppress me on some level where it is in their best interest.  Question to myself...what is the human cost to maintain my project??  I think I will need a lifetime to ascertain.

Self Esteem...so complex

"Do I belong to myself or others? Is the primary purpose of my self the pursuit of my own happiness and the fulfillment of my own positive potentialities, or is it compliance with the wants and expectations of others?" "Am I to rely chiefly on my own mind or on the minds of my parents or teachers, leaders or guru?"

"How we relate to our selves affects how we relate to others, to the world around us, to the visible and invisible universe that constitutes our ultimate context - just as how we relate to others and to the world affects how we relate to our selves."

"In a world in which selflessness is commonly regarded as a synonym of virtue and selfishness a synonym of evil - and in which the presumed goal of spiritual evolution is self-transcendence - a book entitled Honoring the Self may sounds strange, even a bit disorienting."

I found this last statement to be true....

I started reading Honoring the Self by Nathaniel Branden and admittedly feel very confused. Where do I draw the line between self and selfish. There seems to be a very fine line between selflessness and narcissism. A trait I prefer to steer far far away from.

I welcome discussion on this topic...it seems convoluted with religious, cultural and personal ideals.

Smart Women know that in a good relationship:

• Both partners are supportive of each others needs and goals
• Neither partner tries to change or control the other
• Both partners are accepting of each other's limitations
• Neither partners insist upon unconditional love
• Both partners respect the other's boundaries
• Neither partner resents the other's individuality
• Both partners have an equal voice
• Both partners are genuinely and equally committed
• Taken from the book What Smart Women Know by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol 

 I have spent the last 4 years chasing the right relationship for me. It seems it takes several months to learn enough about the man I'm attracted to before some of the "deal breakers" start to become apparent. By then, attachments have been made. Then the letting go process takes another couple of months. Seems to me, I spend a lot of time not being a smart woman. This book gave a light brush over of things to watch for and know; what a smart woman should consider in regards to a relationship. If I pursue a relationship in the future, I will be more aware of what a smart woman looks for and hopefully spend much less time pursuing something that isn't good for me.

"We must learn and then teach our children that niceness does not equal goodness. Niceness is a decision, a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait. People seeking to control others almost always present the image of a nice person in the beginning. Like rapport building, charm, and the deceptive smile, unsolicited niceness often has a discoverable motive."  excerpt from The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker.

Reading The Gift of Fear gave me so much insight into my own intuitions and why it is important to rely on our instincts.  I think this book is a good read for every woman (and man).  There are many stories the author relates that give good examples of when fear is a survival instinct and what signs to watch for that indicate something harmful may happen.

I know there have been times in my life when I have ignored red flags or gut feelings and later realized that in doing so it cost me something. It seems that too often, it takes a red flag to crack me hard on the head before I pay attention. After reading this book, I feel more prepared to pay attention and tune into my senses and intuitions more.

Feel free to share your stories of following your "gut" or the time(s) you didn't. We can all learn.

Last night I was chatting with my daughters and I related a story that had been posted on FB yesterday about a young BYU female student receiving a hand written note on Valentines Day from a young man on campus. The note was not a love note. The note was berating her for her choice of clothing. The young lady then took a pic of herself to show her outfit she was wearing that day. By everyone's standards (except the young man's apparently) she was dressed very modestly and tastefully. My thirteen year old commented...maybe he would want to see women dressed like the Middle Eastern women...covered from head to toe. That way he wouldn't see anything that would make him think naughty thoughts.

I agreed with her and that started a discussion on why it is that society expects women to cover up what God gave them so men won't be tempted by naughty thoughts or desires. Us girls decided it is not our responsibility to police men's thoughts. Men will think what they think no matter how a woman is dressed and we shouldn't feel fear for having curves and desirable places a man would want to spend time visiting ...wink wink. 

My daughter told us about a young gal in her class that is afraid to refer to her breasts as anything other than "these". My daughter told her rather emphatically "They are boobs OK!!!"  I pointed out that home is where fear of our bodies begins; with messages from our parents and leaders that make us feel fear of our own sexuality.

I might have shared a little too much with my daughters from time to time but I have a feeling they are not afraid of their God given femininity and they would be the girls that would chase that sad young man on BYU's campus down and choke him for giving them a note like that. 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/16/brittany-molina-byu-stude_n_1283274.html

I admit, it was scary to me to start a blog and invite friends to join. I feel a bit vulnerable. I want my FB to be more about life with me and my kids and the fun stuff in life. This blog is a place to share the realities we sometimes face. This Fall started out a bit rough for me in that I started feeling depressed and couldn't figure out why. Being the inquisitive type that I am, I started reading self help psychology books. I have been obsessed with them through the Winter months. I don't know if I should apologize to you now or warn you. I will be sharing a lot of what I have read in those books on this blog. My hope is that some of what I share will have some meaningful use for my friends as well. Having said that, I invite you to share with us, books you read and like and anything that was meaningful to you. Thank you Robin for suggesting we start a book club. What a great idea! Let's do it!!

My hope is this blog will encourage women to share their daily triumphs and struggles. That each of us may feel inspired and encouraged along our journey; through friendship. I invite only those friends with positive and supportive comments to respond to the experiences shared here on this site. I also invite you to share this blog site with friends that will benefit from a supportive social network.